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 Some vulgar things bout women

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Jianny
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PostSubject: Some vulgar things bout women   Wed Oct 11, 2006 2:13 am

Hope u guys will enjoy.....

Ever wondered why ABCDEF are used to define bra sizes?

A - Airport (flat)
B - Barely there
C - Can do
D - Damn good
E - Enormous
F - Fake




What's the definition of a Lesbian??
"Just another damn woman, trying to do a man's job."




Women are unpredictable:
Before marriage, she expects a man. After marriage, she suspects her man. After his death, she respects the man.




During pregnancy:
The 1st three months, do it the normal style Next three months do it the doggy style And the last three months do it the wolf style? sit outside the hole and howl?






Girl in theatre: "the man next to me is masturbating"
Boyfriend: "ignore him"
GF: "I can't, he's using my hand"






What is the difference between a new husband and a new dog? "
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you."






A wife complains to the doctor that her hubby is 300% impotent?
The doc asks "how 300%?" She says: "you know about the 100%, and now he has broken his finger and burnt his tongue."




4 miracles of a woman:
1. Getting wet without taking a shower
2. bleeding without getting hurt
3. giving milk without eating grass
4. and making boneless flesh hard






25 useless things in a man:
20 nails 02 nipples that don't milk 02 balls that you cannot play with.
01 cock that does not lay egg.


Teacher: "why cows get depressed after milking?
Student: "Ma'am, if your boobs are rubbed for 2 hours then you are left
unsatisfied how would feel?

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Jianny
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PostSubject: Language that Women use   Thu Oct 12, 2006 1:04 pm

Quote :

FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman
looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.
FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.
NOTHING
This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine"
GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows! )
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"
GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"
SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she
is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.
THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."
GO AHEAD.
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"
THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not ! faint. Just say you're welcome.
THANKS A LOT
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"

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PostSubject: Need of'a Woman   Thu Oct 12, 2006 1:13 pm

A man and woman are getting all snugly in bed.
The passion is heating up.
But then the lady stops and says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
The guy says "WHAT??"
The lady explains that he must be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman.

Then he realises that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it. So the next day the man takes her shopping at a big department store.
He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits.
She can't decide.
He tells her to take all three of them.

Then they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each, then they go to the Jewellery Department where she gets a set of diamond earrings.

The lady is so excited.
She thinks her guy has flipped out, but she does not care.
She goes for the tennis bracelet.
He says "you don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then let's get it."

The woman is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on.
She says "I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register."

The man stops and says, "No, I don't feel like buying all this stuff now."

The woman's face goes blank.

He continues - "I just wanted you to HOLD this stuff for a while."

The look on her face is indescribable and she is about to explode.

The guy says, "You need to be in tune with my financial needs as a Man".

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PostSubject: Wedding Advertisement   Thu Oct 12, 2006 1:16 pm

A mother had three daughters and on their wedding, she tells each one of them to write back about their married life.

The first one gets married....
On the second day a letter arrives with a single message... simply; "Maxwell Coffeehouse"

Mother became confused and finally noticed in a Maxwell ad, and it read; "Satisfaction to the last drop..." So, Mother is happy.

Then the second daughter gets married.
A week later there's a message (secret code again ) that read; "Rothmans"

So the Mother looks into the Rothmans ad, and it says; "LIFE SIZE, KING SIZE." So Mother gives a wide grin.

Then it was the third one's wedding. Mother was anxious.
4 weeks later came the message; "BRITISH AIRWAYS"

Mother looks into the BA ad, but this time she fainted. The ad read;
(scroll down n highlight please.)















["TWO TIMES A DAY, FOUR TIMES A WEEK, BOTH WAYS."]

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PostSubject: Translation   Thu Oct 12, 2006 1:20 pm

Women





Yes = No



No = Yes



Maybe = No



We need = I want



Iím sorry = Youíll be sorry



We need to talk = I need to complain



Sure...go ahead = I donít want you to



Is my butt fat? = Tell me Iím beautiful



Do what you want = Youíll pay for this later



Iím not upset = Of course Iím upset, you moron!



Are you listening to me?? = Too late, youíre dead



You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me



Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs



Youíre so.. manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot



Do you love me? = Iím going to ask for something expensive



Itís your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now



Youíre certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about??



Iíll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV



How much do you love me? = I did something today that youíre really not going to like


Men





Iím hungry = Iím hungry



Iím sleepy = Iím sleepy



Iím tired = Iím tired



Nice dress = Nice cleavage!



I love you = Letís have sex now



Iím bored = Do you want to have sex?



Whatís wrong = I guess sex tonight is out of the question



I love you, too = Okay, I said it...weíd better have sex now!



May I have this dance? = Iíd eventually like to have sex with you



Can I call you sometime? = Iíd eventually like to have sex with you



Do you want to go to a movie? = Iíd eventually like to have sex with you



Can I take you out to dinner? = Iíd eventually like to have sex with you



Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys



You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to have sex with you in the next ten minutes



Letís talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then youíd like to have sex with me



I donít think those shoes go with that outfit = I am gay

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PostSubject: Training For Women   Thu Oct 12, 2006 1:22 pm

Women think they already know everything, but wait...
training courses are now available for women on the following subjects: 1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before

2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits

3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits

4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game

5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too

6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His

7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First

8. Communication Skills II : Thinking Before Speaking

9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging

10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire

11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up

12. Introduction to Parking

13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space

14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat

15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter

16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption

17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People

18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully

19. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His

20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To

21. Classic Footwear: Wearing Shoes You Already Have

22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice

23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together

24. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both

25. TV Remotes: For Men Only

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PostSubject: Re: Some vulgar things bout women   Thu Oct 12, 2006 1:24 pm

Damn this is funny
The young train guard
Quote :

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house! Now, I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and
hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us
again soon."

She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask that you stow all of your hand luggage under your seat.
Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a
pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added,

"For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

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PostSubject: Sperm!   Thu Oct 12, 2006 1:45 pm

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead enter an elevator. As they walk in they notice a small puddle of white liquid on the floor of the elevator. The brunette bends down for a closer look, and states, very matter of fact, "It looks like sperm." The redhead stoops down a little closer, takes a deep breath through her nose, and proclaims, "Yes, and it smells like sperm."
The blonde stoops down yet closer, puts the tip of her finger into the puddle, touches it to her tongue and exclaims, "Well, it's nobody from our building!"

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PostSubject: Re: Some vulgar things bout women   Thu Oct 12, 2006 2:18 pm

Another Joke called 'Smiling to the end'
Quote :



Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to show them what's happened. A Detective Inspector is sent and is taken straight to the first body.

"Englishman, 60, died of heart failure whilst making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile Inspector", says the Coroner. The DI is taken to the second dead man. "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

Nothing unusual here, thinks the DI, and asks to be shown the last body.
"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Irishman, 30, struck by lightning." "Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector. "Thought he was having his picture taken", replies the coroner.


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